Seven Swans

This morning I can see a field, an immense field thru which I’ve walked so many times that I can say that I know it better than my own hand. I've seen it green and colorful during the wonderful spring; so green and vast that it reminds me a long and infinite ocean. Other times l’ve seen it covered with white snow that seems to kill all kinds of life, but instead it brings a new way of living... a different way of seeing beautiful things.

This field has -literally- been my companion and support and it has fed my cattle during my whole life, and by saying "my whole life" I mean it. I started on ranching since I was 5 and my father was about 35, I learnt everything I know about this thru him even though now I only have a vague memory of him. I also saw my children grow and turn into young strong man, and then leave; both of them decided that the family tradition was not for them, and today I’m glad and proud they made that choice. Sometimes I wonder why did I follow it. Now they both have finished university and work on scientific investigations for finding the best results on crops, or at least that is what I understand they do... I just know that somehow they are influenced by my life and that is completely worth it.

Today I can see my life thru my father’s eyes. I’ve devoted myself to this all my life just like he did. I thank God every day for his life and for teaching me all I know,I’ve never been so devoted to God.
I know He is there because I can see it on the majesty of the earth, on the first rays of light rising over the hills and even in the cold air running thru my bones in a lonely morning watching over the cows.
My wife is really close to Him, and she always tells me stories and reminds me to seek Him. I like when she talks about it.

In this beautiful morning where I can remember and think about all this, a strange sound is surrounding the field like if it is coming from the trees behind the hill and then it goes back. The sound is like clapping wings, I turn on every direction to find it, and then, suddenly, I can see something in the sky, something I’ve never seen before: seven swans flying in the sky, a number that reminds me of my wife’s stories about God. Then I feel cold like never before and I start to feel restless.
I look up at the sky and I can see a timid smoke over the hill on direction to my house. I ride my horse to it, I must be like 2 miles away... the longest 15 minutes of my life. As I´m getting close I can see more and more smoke.,,
On the distance I can see my wife standing still, holding in her arms her beloved cat, and with tears in her eyes she yells at me: “God has please you, the farm is gone, you are free now”.

She is right, I feel free now, and I feel curious about this sign, so I ask her to tell me more about Him.

(Inspired by: Sufjan Stevens -Seven Swans)

Shrimp Salad

I’ve told so many times to the office that I don’t like beach destinations, there is something about the beach that I find repulsive, so when I have to make them I avoid even to be close to it.
You may think that is too much, but I even ask for a hotel that is not in front of the beach. There is nothing like a good hotel with A/C I can think I’m not close of it.

Tonight is one of those nights. I’m on a disgusting beach destination, just arriving, refuging from the heat that makes me sick, the job was good as always, I think all these years made me good at it and I simply enjoy it.

I reach the hall, the hostess says hello and smiles. I love that they don’t really care about themselves, their job is always to smile and make you feel good and comfortable.
I just can make this forever, catch a plane, grab a cab, check in...different faces and check out.

I take the elevator to the suite, walk a few steps and get my hand on the jacket and pull out the key card.
As I insert it on the door a cold rush of air runs thru the corridor which is strange since I’m on the 15th floor of a complete closed building. The led turns green and I get back where I was, I enter to the room and close the door.

Once inside, first thing to do: off shoes and socks, then the shirt... the pants feel just fine.
I turn the tv on. Nothing special to watch, all I need is the noise.
I feel hungry: call room service, there is no question my favorite diner at this hotel is shrimp salad and a cup of red wine.
They are here 30 minutes later, 10 dollars tip, and no more human contact until tomorrow.
I sit on the bed watching tv and start eating, this particular meal is good, finish quickly and seek for a movie, one is just starting... I should watch it, I do.
Meaningless entertainment, two hours have gone and the body recalls for rest. So I simply turn the light off and get into bed.

As all is dark and no more noises are made in the room, I can hear the sea with his annoying sound, not even the two blocks dividing us can hold the noise, anyway I focus on sleeping and close my eyes.
The night is running and I’m feeling uncomfortable. I just keep on moving on the bed, I think it is the shrimps´fault…
Another hour is gone and I cant concentrate so I stand up walk a few minutes around the bed and feel better. I’m back on it.

I finally feel comfortable and sleep. Suddenly I wake up and feel all in a rush, I cant hardly breath, I feel as if my head is going to explode. I feel so anxious, I stand up put my pants and my shirt on and I get out of my room, get down on the elevator and run thru the hall.
The hostess seems surprised, she can’t even say a word.
Once out on the street my legs start running towards the beach, it is like some part of me is guiding me with self life and the other part is just being driven by.

I run the hole two blocks and I spot that thing that I hate and that I’ve run away from during a lot of years, now I realize that there is bad weather, a lot of wind is running making my run harder. My shirt is waving and the wind is crashing against my naked chest and my stomach has a funny sensation... it is as if the wind was running thru me.
I finally get to it. I can feel the cold sand down my standing feet and is not that bad at all.
In some moments the immensity of the dark sea is enlighted by a stroke, a beautiful ray of light that seems to point me something in this very moment.
I take my hands to my face and I feel something wet. There is still no rain falling, I notice that tears are falling from my eyes. Then suddenly the noises of the wind stop and a calm, soft music is heard. I cant recognize it, but I can hear two violins, the second one making a beautiful harmony with loud cellos being shutted by a beautiful melody made by the first violin, it is just so beautiful.

I realize the music is coming from the sea, just where the thunders are falling and I do not hesitate and enter into the water, first walking until I can’t reach the sand anymore, then I swim. I just follow the music.
As I look back to the beach, something emerges from my old memories. I remember why I hate the sea, because that is how she left…

I keep on swimming and the music is stronger than ever, now there are oboes, trumpets, drums and flutes.
A light is down my body, deep down in the sea I stop swimming and pay attention to it. I can see something is moving thru the shadows and pieces of light emerging.
It seems like it is a fish...
I don’t feel scared, but then I see a face, a familiar face, a woman’s face…

Children's movie

A lonely man sitting on a movie theater is not quiet common, but a lonely man on a black suite sitting on a children's movie is simply irregular.
The man take a look at his surrounding, the hall is half dark, the movie hasn't started yet, He watches little children smiling, yelling, eating popcorns, families apparently happy and thrilled, he turns to the other side and a couple is hugging and talking to the ear, it seems like they are alone in the room.

As the time passes and the seats are being taken, he turns on every direction, it seems like he is waiting for someone. he most be waiting for someone, who in his right mind goes on hi own to watch a children's movie...

Silence. The hall is now completely dark and no more people is allowed to enter, so it seems he is on his own. Now that everything is dark he doesn't seem to care to be alone he seems to be comfortable.

The first moments of the movie are passing by and the man isn't looking at the screen, he is staring at a couple, they most be together, all indicates they do, there are all kind of affection gestures. The man wont look at the screen, in spite He turn his head down and open his jacket, with his right hand grabs a gun, yes a gun. He is now much more calm, He forgets about the sudden laughs and loud talk of the children or the loud songs of the movie, he is now slowly breathing.

An hour have gone and all the crowd has complete attention on the movie. He is still staring at them, at a quite moment, a baby on the last row starts crying so aloud that is annoying, the man of the couple turns his head with a gesture of disapproval, the man staring at them smiles with some sort of confidence.

Finally the movie is over and the noise is instantly back. Most people gets up and starts walking towards the exit, In the air you can breath happiness and joy, everyone seems to be so happy. Except one, the man, He is calm, serious, and staring at the couple that is now walking, he stands up and walks, slow and with his hand inside his jacket he tries to get his way out the crowd and to approach the couple, they are hand holded. The man approaches and take the man of the couple by the shoulder, He turns his head and look at them right into the eyes and says "this is just a job". The girl is amazed her face is simply a shock, a bunch of emotions. The man get his hand back to the jacket and grab his gun, and as he move his sight back, He spotted her and his serious face change for surprise, she is her sister. Nothing more is said He release the man and walks away...

In the 2nd floor.

I walk thru the elevator 2nd floor, departures, a lot of people everywhere, kind of annoys me. I keep walking looking for the airline, find it, do what was necessary, and now keep walking, waiting for the time is right, as I do so I realize that If you want to see all kind of emotions gathered on one place, the place to go is an airport, you can see the ones who are thrilled by the trip, the ones that hates to fly, others are sad and crying about the ones that leaves for a long time or forever…
I sit down and in all that bunch of faces showing the truth of their souls one stands, one kept my mind as no one.

It’s a girl, in her last 20’s, medium sized, brown skin, deep dark eyes. Her eyes are the ones that says everything, you know what they say, you can lie but your eyes don’t, so its with her.

She looks desperate like someone who is trying to run, to forget, to get by with the flow, to get lost with the thousands of people surrounding her.

Somehow I feel her pain, her “something” that is making her carry that heavy weight on her soul. I can see she is running away, everything about her shout it, she travels light, she has a book to keep her mind busy and she constantly looks around like if she was expecting someone to come and make her not to leave.

In one of her turns she look right to me and I look back, I don’t know if it was a second or a minute or hours that we see each other, but with that gaze I confirm what I thought. She is burning in pain and somehow I can feel it, and I try to comfort her with my eyes, I don’t know exactly how or what to say but I sure try, and she feels it. Now I focus not only in her eyes but her face, I notice that she is beautiful in a different way, maybe not for the world standard of beauty but there is something… Now I also notice some scares in her right cheek that’s definitely for a beat. Now I understand… And I think how someone could do that; there is no possible explanation for that I kind of feel angry about it. As my mind argues she stands up, took her two little bags and rapidly walks away. It surprise me as she move forward she look back and stares again like she is saying thank you. My eyes follow her silhouette and wonder if she’ll be alright, suddenly she stops and her eyes are on the front, throw her things away… run towards someone… It’s a man she kiss him and hug him… Then I know she won’t be alright…

Come back here.

I struggle myself this time to get my mind back during the day, long day by the way, lazy day. sadly, hours goes slow so slow.

Maybe is a C not an A minor.

Those lyrics are just great.

Why isn't she here? Who is supposed to answer my questions?

I simply can't understand that, do they really think they are superior, bigger, smarter, I feel pity for them. Not even a thank you... grr pity, pity...

Oh! the quiet is so great, is it necessary for them to come back.

How much longer???? I want to leave.

What if He stands right behind me, what would I say...? It doesn't matter. I'll do my best.

Long Gone...

I've been long gone from this place...
So long that I barely remember what I was supposed to be doing here. It doesnt matter, today I feel on and out, One of those days you feel that you know no one, not even yourself.

I noticed far in the afternoon, that the day has run and I'm not really sure of where those hours went, like those old leaves that were proudly green and strong in the spring and now they are brown, weak and falling taken by the calm and shy wind of the autumn... Today I feel like that, my mind flew all over the world and now that is back to reality, It doesnt want to stay there, I just dont feel comfortable with reality this time. I look around and everything annoys me, the noise of the cars, the unstopping colorful shine of the traffic lights, the incessant path of shoes that mashes against the asphalt just make me sick and I say to myself, this place is such a mess sometimes I like to watch it burn...

As I stand here I observe very careful, I notice that we are a big mass a self living mass, we are here but we are not together, we are not even aware of each other's existence. Is that right or wrong? is it possible that we care for each other that we dont became the monster in order to defeat the monster? Maybe its impossbile and just want to live in that utopia I've been dreaming of. I realize that my thoughts are deeper than ever, it doesnt scare me, makes me feel comfortable.

I try to get close to the first person I see; a man, nice suite, white shirt, red double windsord neck tie, black leather shoes and small suitcase, He seems in a rush, I just wanna ask him a question, and a word slip out of my mouth "Hello". He doesnt even look at me and leave as it came, fast. The next one coming is a woman, tall, blonde, she wears a red dress and walks slowly as if she want it to say something with the way she walks I see that people stare at her, both men and women, I see nothing special just a regular woman, for tha way she walks I think that she is not in a hurry she may be able to answer my question I stand right in front of her, just in her way, see her to the eyes, she look back, I open my mouth to say the question and she slowly dribbles me, I can feel the air, the scent leave it by her body and no word said.

I feel incredible tired, I sit on the sidewalk, put my eyes on the sphalt and hear some steps outstanding of other ones, the sound becomes stronger, it stops Hear a deep strong voice, the voice answers my quiestion, It says "You are not here"

Do we really care?

There are some things in the everyday talking that are just polite. But if you think of them are no true at all. In our native language(spanish) is pretty common to say "How are you" when you first see a person you know, and the most common answer is "fine".

On first instance, do we really care? I mean do we really care if that person is feeling well, or if is having problems at home, with his wife, or children or if he have been robbed... The real thing for me is that I dont really care, for most people I say this phrase on everyday living, please notice that I write "MOST" because there is a few people I really care about they have to say. I know that this is not right but is something you get involved in the routine of everyday and you simply lose it.

On the other hand when you answer, it is pretty uncommon, to say "bad" or "I feel awful" even when you really are in pain or have a lots of problems, why is that? maybe is that we simply dont feel confident to say the truth or dont want to share...

That old, strange sensation...

When I was a little boy, I used to imagine in my head how things will be in the future for me, and eventully I would say that I dont have to worry there is still plenty of time for all those things, suddenly elementary school was over and I say well, there is still time until I get 18 and I do have to fulfill military requirementsm then in a blink of an eye, the 18's were here, along with highschool, new things to discover and new things to reject, and one of my most hated ideas became real so I have to do it, then University started and I felt comfortable, 4 and a half years until i must finally "grow up" and again time flies and here I am realizing that all those things are real and now remembering, feeling that very same and strange sensation I felt when I was a little boy that somehow remembers me that inside Im still a child that sometimes wishes that time stops. But no, time doesnt forgive, doesnt stop, doesnt forget... My point here is that, as I heard sometime, there is no time not to be fulfilled, no date with it not to arrive any time soon...

Making waves on a swimming pool.

There are moments in life that apparently are hugh mountains to climb and sometimes they are indeed, but sometimes we simply make them hugh and that is because our fears, emotions and the environment surrounding us. If you take a moment to step out of that and see it thru, real cold, you might realize that you don't have to worry. I know sometimes is very difficult to be cold in important situations but you may ask for God's guidance thru all kind of situations and the help and quietness will be provided...

Real?

I just going to keep on the little quotes of.... myself! haha

"Sometimes, I feel this is not real, 'til the pain comes"
We are very used to find ourselves in our little world that we call reality and some times take a painful situation to realize that there is another world or another universe out there and that not everything is spinning around us. Right now I can say that I'm pretty much aware of this all the time... aparently on that age I felt that all was very easy and nice, as years goes by I see that things are different and I find myself telling me that all the time, I try not to fall into one little world again...

Song of the DAY Grow old with me - The Postal Service (John Lennon cover)

Not just one more...

There are a lot of things that I love to do, like singing, drive a car in the rain, eat hardly spicy food, walk on a hill and get to the top of it, listen carefully to the music, watch the enormous city around me... and I can keep on going... And I'm pretty certain that I can get very tired of them so I just put them a part for a while and then take them back to joyfully enjoy them. But there are a few things that I cant get tired of in this life, and one of those is reading what you write, what you have to say... maybe is the deeply artistic way you do it, or simply the message you can read, the one that is expressed directly on words and the one that is underneath, the one a few people can read... So everything is different and special and most important, is very very important for me.

So please keep them coming.

The way you make me feel - Michael Jackson.

Failure is always an option....

I will start writing about those little phrases I found...

Failure is always an option... This one, I remember that caught my mind for a while, because in a world that is supposed to be only for winners, for people who likes to compete, to do their best for getting the best job, the best car, the best looking girl, the best house...
This was me, and is me, saying to this competitiveness... You can fail, dont worry, you are a human, and if that makes me a looser so be it, I prefer to be a human than a pre fabricated man, with prefabricated goals and thoughts and prefabricated happiness I want to do mine... If somehow my path crosses with that thing they call success that's great, if not that's great too and sorry for them...

By the way I'm not very use to fail... but who knows maybe it will come some day, so better be prepared, don't you think?



PS. I learn something today... Never is too wrong to say the truth about how you feel..

Remember remember

They say that to remember is to live again. A few days ago I found a personal little notebook and on it a lot of things I wrote. And I think that my mind haven't changed a lot, maybe its just just the way to express things, or not, that have changed. It is funny to read all the things that showed my life on those days, the free time, the not done things and the things that were important at that time. Its kind of scary to realize how life can change in a few years!


Secret Smile - Semisonic.

You will be surprised...

Yep you will be surprised If I tell you the kind of things that can keep me smiling over and over again, maybe as some close person says, "you are a clown" I may add that if I am, I am a pretty acid one, I realize today, after I say it with no regrets at all, that I love to make jokes about death. Maybe it is our culture, that we can laugh at anything, even when is a shame for ourselves. Maybe I'm mad, and I'll always be... Who knows, I just love to laugh about dark things.... Am I wrong???

Bob Marley - I shot the sheriff
hahaha!

Bending Time

It is quiet common to me, I don't know if for someone else, trying to play with the time in our favor. Sometimes we want it to be like a rushing wave in the beach that disappear and we'll never see it again, not that wave. But in most cases we feel like time is being stolen from us, and as the days, weeks and years goes by, you take a look into them and you realize that this life is certainly a rush, and I ask myself, am I really happy with it? am I doing what satisfy me? What have I done?

For now I feel both sides playing on my ground, I want to go fast but also I want to slow down...

Pink Floyd - Wish you were here...

A smile for start

I wonder how people can start a week with bad mood, I mean I know not always is possible to be happy and be the kindest guy ever but, what if we all try just to change your mood for starting or maybe just put a fake smile in front of the rest, haha, I must confess I have done that in order not to create some feelings or misunderstanding, but I believe not all of us works the same... Maybe it is simply that today I wake very happy today, after all, it was a very good week end!

Grow Old - John Lennon

Fragile

We are very use to make plans, set schedules, arrange our agendas, and even promise things based on future time. But the real thing is that we do not control it and we almost never think on the fragility of our lives, and indeed, we are fragile. There are some events in life that are God's recall of something, for me is very clear, We do not belong here, today we could be talking on the phone, arranging Excel Cells, matching figures, watching football games. But tomorrow we only have the certainty of the uncertainty of life and what may happen in one day. This uncertainty is a calm one because I know HIM will have a plan for me, and if He decides it is better not around here, then is best thing... A hard thing to say but it always need to cross your mind...

Embarrased

I cant remember the last time I feel this embarrased, jaja, I feel like the little child that gooes to the girl to give her a wild flower....
Inside the feeling is mixed between embarrased and happy... I feel this little encounter was pretty productive after all, music can make you feel, dream and smile, smile a lot.

I cant find no more sense today...

Song of the day... Ouuups there where a few... what do you think? Which do you like the most?

Wait, there is one i want you to hear

Julian Plenti - Flight as you might
(Paul Banks rules!)

Its easier to write it

There are things for me that are easier to write, I believe writing give you the opportunity to think twice, and that may seemed a little silly but believe me that little second between one thought and other may mean a lot, and when you're talking you may lose that chance. Today i found that it is something in the family, or maybe its our generation that expends so much time typing rather than talking.

Anyway, thnx bru! it really means a lot to me...
And thank you, for listen... Also for the honesty of the conversation and letting me know how you feel right now, (and how silly we are, haha, the great thing is that we both are.)

The killers - When you were young

Clouded Vision

Every one has an opinion on most issues, but regarding personal issues, maybe even the closest people surrounding us dont have an idea of the full contextual circumstances and then is when I vote for the Listen and take the best of it. It is not like you dont care about their opinion but simply that they dont have all the info required.

GUns and roses - Patience
So many quotes... I cant pick one.